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A Cracked Look Ahead at 2012 (and a Look Back at 2011)
CREATED: 12/04/11 by mosered REPLIES: 6
mosered's ravatar mosered    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 1714
A Comical Look Ahead at 2012
POSTED: 12/04/11 7:47 AM

(and a Look Back at 2011...)

Shrugging off a police crackdown, Occupy Wall Street holds its largest protest to date--over New York City’s $900 IronMan registration fee.

The DC area learns it could be eligible for federal funds to cut pollution by building more metro stations and bike paths. However, the region’s air is actually not polluted enough to qualify. So officials turn to organizers of the Hot Chocolate 15K/5K, and ask them to set up an event that degrades the area’s air quality. They put together a race where over 20,000 people are forced to drive to packet pickup as well as the event on separate days, both causing gridlock on a major bridge and on the lone narrow road leading to the event. Air pollution soars; the region gets its funding.

The Nation’s Tri run leg is again 0.2 miles short, apparently due to glitches with Garmins. Runners use these same Garmins to meet the new, faster qualification times for the Boston Marathon.

Given the absurdly high numbers of ultrafast chicks in the DC Tri Club, USAT officials subject DCT women to extra drug tests. The tests reveal that the club’s ladies, compared to a control group of male racers, have suspiciously high levels of estrogen.

Biologist triathlete Beth Durman enjoys showing off on FaceBook the guacamole plants she’s successfully grown on the computer stand of her EPA office. Yet when she goes on to distill tequila in her workplace coffee maker, her drunken Agency workmates end up approving deep-sea oil drilling in the Tidal Basin.

In a daring midnight raid, heavily armed, helicopter-borne men swoop into the walled compound of the man America has long most feared and loathed…But Charlie Sheen has already left on another Apology Tour, and remains at large.

The Wilson High pool again has fierce debates between triathletes wanting a 50 meter lane, and high-school officials backing a 25 meter lane. After much wrangling, a compromise is reached—37.5.

Club race coordinator Hugh Harris, exhausted from training, coaching high school track, and organizing races, falls asleep at his laptop while entering the nightly workout for the Catholic U swim. As he dozes, his finger rests on the zero key. He wakes up to find everyone has tried to swim 240,000,000,000,000,000 yards.

Speedy NTP vet Adam Garfunkle has a fast sophomore season too. Yet Garfunkle’s fed up with people asking him if he’s Paul Simon’s old musical partner. So he changes his name, to Art.

The New York City IM raises its entry fee to $90,000, and gets even more entries, after offering free hot chocolate at the end of the race.

In the parking lot of the gold-domed bank at the corner of Georgetown’s Wisconsin and M, clubbers have gathered for the regular Saturday morning ride. They’re astonished when a gang of thieves pulls up, and prepares to rob the bank. Thinking fast, Travis Siehndel walks up to the gang’s leader, and asks, “Don’t you want to hide your identity, by pulling a stocking over your face?” The leader nods, and Travis pulls a spare compression sock out of his bike bag and hands it to the leader, who pulls it over his head. Within seconds, he’s passed out from lack of oxygen, and the rest of his band flees.

Having helped blind athletes compete in races, Stephanie Ewert decides to help mute competitors as well. At a press conference near IM Austin, she answers all the questions asked of Gov. Rick Perry.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner finds gainful employment--handing out the thousands of free condoms at London’s 2012 Olympic Village.

When scientists claim to measure matter traveling faster than the speed of light, many are skeptical. So the researchers duplicate their test and, for a few nanoseconds, on the steep descent of a cyclotron, Ben Winterroth and Lindsey Jerdonek do go faster than 186,000 miles a second….Nanoinstants later, their record is broken, when Albert Einstein starts spinning furiously in his grave.

After bolstering its very fast members by setting up an Elite Team, the club aids less-gifted athletes by forming a Segway training group.

It’s finally discovered who stole Ed Moser’s Scattante bike—Ed Moser. Archival surveillance videos at Hains Pt. shows him stealing his bike for 10 straight years. Each year, he used insurance money to replace the old bike with the next year’s model. Each model changed slightly enough from year to year that no one ever noticed.

You know you’re addicted to triathlon when—you even consider attending such a thing as a foam roller workshop. (Oh to reside in sunny southern Cal, where a foam roller is a long sweet ride on a surfboard.)

Catherine Myung, an organizer of the OneWave workouts at the Wilson pool, is not the fastest swimmer. But one night, she actually beats Olympian Michael Phelps, an occasional swimmer there, clear across the pool. As she and Phelps are about to dive in, she dives first—just as the 25-meter configuration is switched over to 50 meters. Though Phelps is almost twice as fast as Myung, he finishes his 50 meters just behind Myung’s 25.

The DCT board has trouble getting enough volunteers for the Washington, DC Triathlon. It solves the problem by letting the club’s many lawyers and contractors volunteer during billable hours.

Wilson High track workout leader Hillary Peabody notices that a number of turbaned men have begun showing up for her pre-workout regimen, which entails 20 intense minutes of the extreme contortions and involved stretching of active release. When she asks one of the newcomers if he likes the warm-ups, he replies: “Warm-ups? We thought this was a yoga class in kama sutra!”

Crossfit enthusiast Mark Zaragoza realizes he’s really bulked up with when people start mistaking him for Bill Goodrich.

Dave Venables enjoyed his nearly week-long, trans-Saharan, Multi-Marathon des Sables trek, where he carried all his gear in a backpack. So Dave decides to carry all his stuff for IM Cozumel. He finds the going easy: during the swim his titanium bike only weighs 16 pounds or so.

Abby Sanford, a local rock singer as well as a fast triathlete, had planned to perform with her band along the course of the 2011 Washington DC Triathlon, but a logistical glitch scuttled the notion. To make it up to Abby, the event directors--after consulting with the Hot Chocolate race organizers--offer her band “a prime venue” for the 2012 Tri, “just a mile from the downtown race finish.” So, her band plays in the offered spot, the long underground tunnel below the Mall, but the tightly enclosed space heightens the sound to earsplitting levels, causing tinnitus among the musicians and racers. To make it up to everyone, free hot chocolate is handed out at the finish line.

Richmond's Rockett's Landing makes its triathlon a duathlon, after another race with searing temperatures boils off the waters of the James River.

Officers at Kenya's Masai Mara game preserve are puzzled by the park's normally fast big cats: the leopards and cheetahs loll about sweaty and exhausted. They learn that, a few days before, Elite Team member A.J. Morrison, during a High Cloud trip to teach at local schools, had gone for a run in the preserve, leaving the would-be predators broken and weary behind her.

After strong vocal performances of “The Star-Spangled Banner” at Nation’s Tri and PeasantMan, Courtney Fulton is asked to sing the anthem at the opening game of the Washington Wizards’ 2011-2012 season, which takes place in 2015.

Singapore-based expat Lisa Kilday likes her newest extreme sport: skyscraper stairwell racing. But she faces the prospect of a Singapore caning, after cutting corners during the descent of the city’s 66-story Swiss Hotel by shimmying down the cables of the elevator shaft.

According to revised Club Challenge rules, any swims in an Endless Pool equal, by definition, zero yards.

While again serving as a volunteer coordinator at the Nation’s Tri, Karen Willard, up since 3 am, again dozes off. This year however, the race actually has a swim leg, and Karen is in a kayak, which drifts down the Potomac. Four days later, she’s shaken awake in National Harbor by Denis Crean during one of his OneWave practice swims.

Tuan Nguyen admires those who help handicapped athletes by guiding them in a race. So he offers to tether himself to gutsy blind athlete Tina Ament during a swim. And Tina guides the “Vertical Swimmer” through a mile of choppy waves.

Chemists coin a term for the natural high experienced by those finishing a 2.4-mile swim: “endolphins.”

Near the end of his latest 400-mile ride, on the outskirts of Manhattan, Kansas, Jimmy Biese realizes the event is supposed to end in Manhattan, New York, not Kansas. ‘This is so cool,’ he figures. ‘It’s 400 miles back to the start, then another 400 miles to the Big Apple! I get to do my first 1,200 miler!!’

Impressed by Andy Blatecky’s ascent of a mountain in Nepal, speed mountain climber Ueli Steck challenges Andy to a race up Mt. Everest. To get ready, both men sleep in oxygen tents that prep their bodies for high altitudes. The night before the climb, Andy’s friend Jessica Oldham slips into Steck’s tent, and replaces the oxygen canisters with CO2 cartridges from her bike. Steck sleeps in the next morning, allowing Andy to build a insurmountable lead.

A year after serving as club vice president Angela Dilks, now happily married, isn’t running much, isn’t biking much, and isn’t swimming much. In fact, she isn’t doing much of anything at all. ‘This is great preparation in Washington,’ she figures, ‘for being the Vice President.’

Tho the venue is changed from Myrtle Beach to San Diego, DCT again loses the national half iron title to an obscure club from Columbia, Missouri, when the latter again medals in every advanced-age catetory, after scouring every Sunrise Senior Living in La Jolla for retired athletes.

At Myrtle Beach, Janie Hayes is again penalized for taking off her bike bag during the ride, against strict USAT rules that one cannot dispose of any gear during the race. But officials don't know the half of it: Spectators' cell videos show that Janie actually threw the bag at a passing rider, and tossed water bottles at pursuing cyclists, and dripped lube onto the road, sending those near her careening wildly. And no one noticed that during transition area setup she'd deflated the tires of many competitors. Or dripped motor oil into the opaque swim course, lending the night-vision goggles she wore a huge advantage.

After Snowpocalypse II buries DC for weeks in feet of snow, triathletes go stir-crazy from working out indoors on stationary bikes. But Adam Stolzberg and Kim Goldman devise a clever antidote to the boredom: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150480101490126

DC Mayor Vincent Gray is again accused of nepotism after he apparently wins the Nation's Tri, although he has never trained for a triathlon. And it turns out that the Mayor appointed his nephew to do the race for him.

The craze for weight training and for the Paleo diet affects almost everyone. Once known as compact runner/biker types, Kevin D’Amanda and Malissa Zimmerman now compete in the Clydesdale and Athena categories.

Not long after her finishing the 2011 Marine Corps Marathon, Adrian Anderson gives birth to a baby girl…
…At the finish line of the 2012 Duathlon nationals, Adriana Anderson gives birth to twins…
…At the end of Philadelphia’s 2013 Triathlon, Adriana gives birth to triplets…
…At the end of Adriana’s 2014 four-person bobsled race—Matt Anderson is found passed out at a nearby savings & loan with an empty quart of whiskey by his side.

And seriously:

After suffering a very bad crash while training on the SavageMan course, tough fast athlete Laura Worley Yost has a full and complete recovery in 2012, and PRs in numerous races.

pgfde121's ravatar pgfde121    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 231
RE: A Cracked Look Ahead at 2012 (and a Look Back at 2011)
POSTED: 12/04/11 11:27 PM

Awesome as usual Ed! I hope you have these things saved somewhere so we can do a 5 year review down the line.

morunner66's ravatar morunner66    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 702
RE: A Cracked Look Ahead at 2012 (and a Look Back at 2011)
POSTED: 12/05/11 9:03 AM

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner finds gainful employment--handing out the thousands of free condoms at London’s 2012 Olympic Village.

Chemists coin a term for the natural high experienced by those finishing a 2.4-mile swim: “endolphins.”

Two favorite lines...

ncrcoach's ravatar ncrcoach    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 1045
RE: A Cracked Look Ahead at 2012 (and a Look Back at 2011)
POSTED: 12/05/11 9:35 AM

Ed, does this mean I need to get a laptop.

rojojade's ravatar rojojade    JOINED: 1/19/11    POSTS: 360
RE: A Cracked Look Ahead at 2012 (and a Look Back at 2011)
POSTED: 12/05/11 1:45 PM

Ed - you old flatter. On my best day I might swim around a third of Phelp's warm up pace. But awesome recap!

Luke's ravatar Luke    JOINED: 11/28/10    POSTS: 346
RE: A Cracked Look Ahead at 2012 (and a Look Back at 2011)
POSTED: 12/05/11 6:26 PM

I loved the "endolphins" line too! Methinks that could be made into a t-shirt slogan!

-Luke

mosered's ravatar mosered    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 1714
RE: A Cracked Look Ahead at 2012 (and a Look Back at 2011)
POSTED: 12/07/11 12:43 PM

Hugh: Given your apparent propensity for snoozing on the job, perhaps you should purchase a "naptop"...

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