An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong:
My team has an slot available for the bike leg of the Jamestown Triathlon Mid-Atlantic Championship, team "DC Tri Hardest", June 8, 2013. The swim and the run slots are filled, but we need a fast biker (especially given my swimming speed).
We realize you’re likely concerned how to reach top-level performance again without cheating. Put your mind at rest. Our team plans to blood-dope, naturally, in the snowy summits of Deep Creek, MD, on the Memorial Day Weekend before the big race. And to repose nightly in oxygen tents--where a strict, no-smoking ban will be enforced.
As for human growth hormone, I stand 5’10”, 160 pounds, identical to your own dimensions, and ideal for cycling & triathlon, and need no such substance. As for testosterone boosters, anyone who knows me will assure you I require no “enhancement” on that score.
Further, our relay team will do a shakedown race on May 4 at PeasantMan, a low-key event ideal for slowly slipping back into competition. It’s a charity race, which would surely welcome the participation of the Livestrong Foundation; perhaps you could give its annual bike clinic. You may have heard of the nuclear power plant at that race’s lake-side site—don’t worry, the EPO, I mean the EPA, guarantees its safety.
To compete officially, you would have to join the DC Tri Club, yet USAT has banned you. However, given your history, you would have no qualms participating as a bandit.
All this presents a grand opportunity for you to begin your next great comeback, hopefully culminating in a podium position at Ironman Kona, and a collaboration with Oprah on a diet and exercise book.
With greatest sincerity,
- Eddie M. Merckx
Dear Mr. Merckx,
Thank you for your generous offer. I am dear friends with the race director of PeasantMan. He assures me that I will pass all drug tests at PeasantMan, so that race does intrigue me. However, given my current predicament of having zero testicles, it will be difficult for me to give you the splits that you are looking for. Please get back to me 5 years from now when the current statute of limitations on some of my activities expire.
On an unrelated note, I've just finished reading the book that you ghost wrote, A Patriot's A to Z of America . Let me just say that I haven't read such garbage since the USADA report on my alleged activities.