UPDATE: Ride is now starting at 7:00 AM
2013 SUNDAY BIKE RIDE WITH THE VERTICAL SWIMMER
Year #5 - Year of the Commoners
Star Date: Week 0
Not sure how it happened, but apparently some of you commoners have my email address in your possession. I've been getting some stupid ass questions via email, about the Sunday bike ride with the Vertical Swimmer, on a more frequent basis lately. Again I say, thank you, Al Gore. Next time trying inventing something other than the Internet.
Below are some questions and my responses to those emails.
1. Can you whack my neighbor for me?
>>> No! I can't whack your neighbor for you. WTF do I look like, a Cambodian? Now, if you want me to pee on your neighbor's lawn ... well, you've come to the right place. Unlike you lazy Americans, Vietnamese don't send our dogs to go do a real man's work.
2. Where is a good place to get an authentic bowl of pho? I heard that new place on Wilson Blvd is pretty good.
>>> You want an authentic bowl of pho, you go to Saigon, not Clarendon.
Tuan's litmus test on the authenticity of a pho restaurant: if they give you hoisin sauce in anything other than a jar or squeeze bottle, walk out. Case in point, Pho DC. Walk out of that place before you walk in. Not only do they give you the hoisin sauce in a little bowl, but they further spit in the face of Vietnamese culture by having a Vietnamese salad on their menu. As a Vietnamese, let me give you my people's official response to such nonsense ... what the f**k is a Vietnamese salad? Go to a restaurant in Da Nang, order up a "Vietnamese salad," and see what you get. Pho DC mocks Vietnamese culture and cuisine. It makes me want to pee on their front door, without such request.
Oh, serenity now, serenity now. Hear the wind. Feel the wind. Be the wind ...
3. I'm planning a vacation to Vietnam, where is a good place to visit?
>>> Well, stop reading Viet Cong tourist brochure propaganda, you freaken hippy! If there exists such a thing as a "a good place to visit in Vietnam," do think that The Freshest Prince of Saigon would be living in Silver Spring? You know what they told me when I was at the re-education camp when that question was asked? They said, "you're looking at it. Do you want to disagree?" My initial thought was, "Yeah, I want to disagree." Which brings up another important lesson in life ... never ever try to be the funny guy in a re-education camp. Shit gets real, real fast.
Commoners, get your freaks on! To all of you young single ladies in the Clarendon/Court House/Ballston areas, that means go normal for once. A thong is not underware. I'm getting freaken tired of being harrased by the cops for spraying holy water on all of the seats on the Metro orange line.
The Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer is officially back. This time, I ain't lying either. First ride is Sunday, March 30, 2013. The entire ride schedule is at the very bottom of this message. To those who are illiterate, just use the scroll down function and you'll eventually get there.
The ride starts and ends at the corner of Wisconsin and M Street in Georgetown. Depending on the location of CIA drones, air temperature, and my emotional well-being, we will start at 7 or 8 AM. I will send out start time, cue sheets, and other specifics every week to the email distro list.
From past experiences, the paces for this ride vary from week to week. It depends on who shows up. Generally speaking, the biggest group is in the 18-ish mph. This is the average for the ride. This means that on the flats the pace can be a bit spectacular. On the hills, there will lots of tears shed, a few testicles lost. Keep in mind that these averages are on roads with somewhat decent hills. I've left parts of my soul on many of these hills.
We do have people who are in the 15 mph+ range. We have had NTPers in the past who have come to ride with the group at the beginning, but drop off and ride for shorter distances. We've also had people in the way north side 20+ mph. Whatever your pace, fitness, or experience may be, just come out and ride with us. It'll give you structure, a place to be, and triathletes to train with every Sundays.
We all start together, but the group will break into its natural paces once we leave DC. The groups will stop occasionally to refuel and use the restrooms at various locations. These locations will be specified in the cue sheets that I will send out.
This ride is a very welcoming ride. We have folks of all levels and speeds who show up on any given Sunday. Everyone will be loved. No one will judge your full aero-kit. Oh, who am I kidding. If you show up in full aero-kit, of course we are going to judge your dumb ass. Tri bikes, road bikes, tricycles, and unicycles are welcome. I would say that most of the folks that show up to the rides are on tri bikes, some with fancy wheels.
We have a lot of folks doing IMLP this year. I'm hoping that most of them will show up so that we have a wider range of speeds than in prior years. Well, actually, I'm just hoping we have more females out there. When I say females, I mean any dudes that do not mind pulling Vietnamese #1 on the bike.
I'm putting the ride format verbiage here so that there are no misconceptions about this ride. This is a DROP ride. This means that the no bitching, no crying, and no moaning policy is in effect. The group will splinter at many points. The underlying message is, either suck it up buttercup and catch up the group or pretend that you have an injury and fall back.
People will break up into their natural paces. We have folks going from 14-22 mph, so the group WILL break up into subgroups as the ride progresses. The implied understanding of this ride is that it's every man for himself. Expect no one to wait for you. Wait for no one. Please bring the cue sheet. That's why it's provided. Hopefully we'll get enough pace ranges out there so that no one ever rides alone.
The only exception is, if you see me riding alone, please drop back to pull me. That should go without saying, but I'll just say it because I know how some of you ingrates take great pleasures in dropping me.
To be part of this ride, just send me an email (number55555 at yahoo dot com) or post your email address in this thread. Don't just say that you're "in." I'm just a smuck in DCTri. I have no way of retrieving your email address from your username. Post an email address or email it to me.
I will add you to our distro list once I've received your expression of interest. **Everyone** from the 2012 list need to resend me an email, or post below. The 2012 email distro list will be destroyed after today. We will start with a fresh 2013 version.
By the way, have you heard of this race call PeasantMan? We are going to have a 56-112 mile ride at Lake Anna on the Kinetic course the day before PeasantMan, so you might as well sign up for it.
PeasantMan Shameless plug:
PeasantMan Registration URL:
THE ENTIRE SCHEDULE
Getting to know you ride
TBD: 30 - 60 miles
Getting to know more about you ride
TBD: 47 - 60 miles
I know too much about you already ride
**No ride: Boston Marathon Weekend**
The Columbia Sterilization:
104 miles - 4x around the Columbia Tri bike route
PeasantMan Weekend - Lake Anna
Saturday ride: 56-112
Whatever you want. I will be out of town
Legit Century. Well, not really.
I'm out of town
Ironman Vietnam - 117 miles
Aug 11 -- Last ride of the season
Aug 17 - Legit Ironman
2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run, brag for the rest of your life.
number55555 at yahoo dot com
I'll be right behind you.
Sir, do we get to win this time? -- TJ
When the Comcast guy finally shows up at my house, I am sending him to your re-education camp. Can you send me the address or will someone in a white panel truck & a black hood?
60+ people have signed up on the first day. I will finally know what it's like to be in the middle of a Tour Du France-like peloton ... minus the EPO recipe exchange.
Day 2. We are now up to 75+. I will do the Harlem Shake once we get to 1 million.
Count me in Royalty... who else is gonna pull you around River and Macarthur...
Day 3. We are up to 80+. As a special bonus, the first 100 will get their registration fees waived.
Bravo, Zulu, Costco ... weather looks good this weekend. Ride is on.
Below is the email that I just sent out to the Sunday bike ride crew. Posting it here at the request of the power that be and because we are doing our ride this week on Sat, instead of Sunday. It'll also be at a different location than our normal place.
SUNDAY BIKE RIDE WITH THE VERTICAL SWIMMER
Star Date: Week 5
The email is coming a little bit earlier this week because our Sunday ride this week will occur on Saturday. This is a one week deal. We'll return to Sunday next week.
The Greatest Vertical Show on Earth will be performing in Columbia, MD this weekend, on the Columbia Tri course. In the hallway of the Watergate building, next to Monica Lewinski's old apartment, I handed over an envelop full of $3 bills to the president of DCTri. The next thing you know, DCTri has magically decided to support our ride this weekend. That CIA-backed organization has a price and I've found it. They have agreed to bring lots of food and drinks to support our ride. They will also cook and clean up everything for us afterward. In return for the freebies, I've agreed to move our ride to Saturday.
THIS WEEK'S RIDE
We will start our ride on ***SATURDAY** at **7:00 AM**. That's right, Saturday, at 7:00 AM. Please don't disappoint me with your public school intellect by showing up at 8:00 AM.
We will clip at 7:00 AM, sharp, on SATURDAY! We will meet in the parking lot Centennial Park in Columbia, the base camp of the Columbia Tri course. Specific maps, directions, cue sheet, and etc can be found on the DCTri forum under "Columbia Bricknic." Search for it, ingrates!
The rest of DCTri, in their support capacity, will be there at 9:00 AM. I want to make sure that we start early enough so there are enough food for us once we are done. Those NTPers will suck that place dry of food and drinks if we come back late ... but I don't need to tell you all how public school educated people are.
We will go 3 loops, with each loop being 40k. You can hang with us for all 3 loops or drop off after each loop. We will refuel and use the restroom after each loop. This is a dropped ride, so make sure you have the cuesheet and someone to hang with.
SILVER SPRING EXPRESS TRAIN
The Silver Spring Express train not meet this week. The population of squirrels in Rock Creek must be going through the roof without Vietnamese #1 around for all these weeks. I should just go out there and set up traps just for the fun of it.
I`m new to DC and will be here interning for the summer. I go to the Univ. of FL and am on the tri team there and would love to join your weekend rides. If you could please add me to the listserv-- my e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
could you please add me to your list, thanks!
Just a reminder the ride is now starting at 7:00 from now until the rest of the year.