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[April Fools] Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
CREATED: 04/01/12 by mosered REPLIES: 7
mosered's ravatar mosered    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 2216
Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/01/12 6:09 AM

From the Washington Examiner, weekend edition, sports blog:

“The National Park Service (NPS) reversed itself today, and granted a permit for the Washington DC Triathlon. NPS had previously denied a race permit for the triathlon, forcing its cancellation.

NPS apparently changed its mind after being assured by the new organizer of the race, ClusterFast LLC, that it could hold the popular multisport event without disrupting traffic or tourists in the race venue, downtown Washington.

ClusterFast has held a popular series of races nation-wide, including last December’s well-attended Hot Chocolate 15K/5K in National Harbor, MD.

“The organizer submitted persuasive evidence,” stated Ranger Farley, an NPS spokesman, “that it has the requisite experience to hold local competitions with large crowds of racers in congested areas visited by crowds of tourists.”

Originally slated for June 17, the revived Washington, DC Triathlon has been rescheduled for July 4, with a route identical to previous races. The many motorboats expected on the river that day, said ClusterFast president Edsel Yugo, should be able to help out with swim support. As before, the run leg will take place on portions of the National Mall.

In a concession to the hot weather expected on July 4, however, the race will occur in the early evening, around sunset. To further allay the warm and humid conditions, ClusterFast assured NPS that water stops would hand out steaming cups of hot chocolate to all competitors.

"Often there's spectacular thunderstorms, akin to fireworks really, early in the evening of a boiling day like the Fourth of July," noted organizer Yugo. "Such pyrotechnics should only add to the race experience."

Registrants for the June 17 race can apply their entries to the July event, or to the Second Annual National Harbor Hot Chocolate 15K/5K, on December 7, 2012 (Pearl Harbor Day).

“It is clear,” stated Farley, “that race organizers are taking every conceivable step to ensure this July Fourth evening triathlon in downtown DC becomes an annual classic.”

(Washington, DC. Dateline, April 1).

kkaufer's ravatar kkaufer    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 126
RE: Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/01/12 11:36 AM

Legit or April Fool's?

rtroll's ravatar rtroll    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 510
RE: Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/01/12 11:57 AM

That's just cruel Ed.

rojojade's ravatar rojojade    JOINED: 1/19/11    POSTS: 458
RE: Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/01/12 12:23 PM

LOL - I will admit that I got fooled with the title.

jbrez's ravatar jbrez    JOINED: 1/30/11    POSTS: 303
RE: Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/01/12 12:56 PM

Well played sir.

malloyrobert's ravatar malloyrobert    JOINED: 1/21/12    POSTS: 15
RE: Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/02/12 9:24 AM


mosered's ravatar mosered    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 2216
RE: Permit for Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/02/12 1:43 PM

In all seriousness though, everyone has like the club’s new clinic:

“The IronplusMan Training Program presents a Performance Enhancement Seminar

Frustrated at you inability to PR? Exhausted from bricks and grueling workouts in three sports? Worry no more: Learn how to blood-dope during races and peak workouts.

Join former Tour de France winners Alberto Contador and Floyd Landis, who will conduct a class in safely, effectively, and (sometimes) stealthily using blood enhancers to improve your speed and recovery time.

“This class helped me in my charitable, as well as athletic, endeavors,” says area triathlete E.P. Ono. “Now I can give blood daily, instead of just monthly.”

Where: Red Cross headquarters, E st., PO box 76, nw, Washington DC.

“I must have trickled into cups 500 times, and nothing’s turned up positive yet,” says newbie triathlete Lance Armstrong. “I get really PO’d when people ask me about it.”

When: Preferably six hours after your latest meal.

“I once viewed those break-of-day sessions on the set of ‘Dark Shadows’ with horror,” says actor Johhny Depp. “But now I look upon the rising sun with glee.”

Why: Gotta win the Mid-Atlantic team title at Gen. Smallwood, by any means necessary.

“These enhancers are gluten-free, rich in iron and irony, and serve as a perfect complement to my already-blood-rich Paleo diet.” – Area bodybuilder Arnaut Atlas

The seminar is free to members of the IronplusMan program. It will cover every aspect of blood supplements, as well as “all-natural” alternatives such as oxygen tents.”

hina's ravatar hina    JOINED: 9/4/11    POSTS: 48
RE: [April Fools] Permit for the Washington, DC Triathlon Granted!
POSTED: 4/05/12 7:56 PM

Hahaha, nice April Fool's article! :)

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