"ESPiN News, 11.15.2013
The nation’s second-largest triathlon club, in order to narrow a large budget deficit, has begun a partial shutdown.
Due to a gap in revenues between club dues and high costs, the DC Triathlon Club is cutting back on activities, and clubbers.
Some members have been furloughed, after imposition of a maximum of 2,000 members. To qualify as one of the lucky 2,000, club members had to by midnight last night enter a lottery, run by IRONMAN Chattanooga, with all the slots taken within three minutes.
To implement the partial shutdown, DC’s Park Police eagerly began closing off portions of Hains Point with electrical tape.
Reflecting the slowdown, the club’s elite Team Snapple has been redubbed, Team Shuffle.
Around town, bumper stickers have been quietly altered--to 26.1 and 139.6.
DC Triers have resorted to binge drinking at the now-shortened, monthly Happy Minutes.
In a nod to a new era of austerity, clubbers in the formerly anything-goes Clarendon-Ballston corridor have started to tee-total, fast, and pledge chastity for life.
Likewise, members in the trendy Kalorama district have changed their neighborhood’s moniker to the Midwestern, more economical sounding, Kalamazoo.
To save money, Ryan Troll, the club’s retiring, two-term President, will forego the customary Presidential Library for the Chief Executives, and store all his presidential papers for free in The Cloud.
Board members are shedding costs, even clothing. At a recent meeting, Trevor Albert stated he would immediately begin shedding his characteristic kilt, causing horrified fellow board members to throw piles of blankets and towels over him.
The club master’s swim team, instead of providing coaches in every lane, from now on will only provide elliott Lane.
In fact, the master’s squad at Wilson High has moved all its workouts to shorter, 25 meter lanes, enraging the parents of high schoolers whose lanes are now swamped with hordes of aggressive triathletes.
And it killed them to do it, but Hillary Peabody and Andy Blatecky have also cut back by ending their latest 100-mile runs, at the 99-mile mark.
It kills him to do it, but Montgomery Mafia head Jay Cochran will only work out 364 days a year.
In another sign of austerity, some members are even dropping letters from their names. Tuan Nguyen, for example, will now go by “Tu”, the name of his sister, allowing him to compete as, and likely medal, as a woman. (Nguyen claims officials will fail to detect his deception because constant riding has erased his testicles.)
Kyoko Kawai, having dropped one of her “K”’s, now goes by the first name of Yoko--and is suing for the rights to every Beatles song.
Simon Hernaez apparently dropped all the consonants from his name long ago.
David Cheek also dropped the "K" from his name, and began to sense a universal energy source swirling all around him.
Hillary Oe Hertler said, “Screw it: Hillary Hertler is a lot simpler to say anyway.”
Jason Brez(inski) said, “I’m way ahead of the curve.”
Abby Sanford actually added a letter to her name, and now Abigail “Stanford” attests she’s the scion of a prominent West Coast university clan.
Kevin D’Amanda, a fast marathoner but slower in the pool, flipped a letter in his last name, changing to Amanda, and for the first time was mistaken for a fast swimmer, Amanda chadwick.
(The owner of merchant partner Sport and Spinal, and sister of Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe, reduced her name to Sarah Thor, then joined actor Chris Hemsworth in another sequel to a hit movie.)
Casey Creech got tired of being mistaken for Casey Crowley, and dropped his last name.
Debbie Yu deleted the last letter from her last name, then walked around asking about the meaning of life.
The partial shutdown has affected the other major club in the region. Claiming 26 letters in the alphabet was extravagant, Ed Yerkel changed the name of his squad to Team Y. Instead of lavish barbecues, his teammates now dine at ypizza and Y-Burger.
In a sign the partial shutdown has no end in sight, DC Tri has formally changed its name, to the DC Duathlon Club.
Not to be outdone, ex-club president Travis Siehndel, a musician in the US Navy Band, has traded in his hefty tuba for a teeny kazoo.
Suddenly ashamed, tall clubbers like Pam Simmons, Stephanie Bechtold, & Abhi Rao hunched their shoulders, slouched at their laptops, and claimed to be just 5 foot six.
Joining in the spirit, Mark Raugust went on a crash diet, fell out of the Clydesdale class, and entered a rehab clinic for anorexia.
Tri-ing to soldier on, the club did not cancel its annual Kona viewing party, but held it at the more intimate Regional, formerly Continental, lounge.
Meanwhile, according to volunteer coordinator Karen Willard, registration has plummeted for the area’s most attended, and now-truncated race, The Nation’s Aquabike.
Signups are also down for SerfMan, the downsized version of PeasantMan (it may only offer a swim, termed SurfMan), as well as PigeonMan, the slimmed-down alternative to EagleMan.
In another cost-cutting move, DCT’s FaceBook site has been renamed the FaceNovella page.
And club web master Eric Goetz, founder of the revamped Total2 ultra-short-distance bike event, stated that, to save electrons, any more postings to the club web site will end before the message conclu…