AP--Washington, DC. Dateline June 21, 2012.
" The U.S. Anti Doping Agency (SADA) has opened a wide-ranging investigation into mounting evidence that many members of the DC Tri Club have engaged in banned drug doping practices.
The circumstantial evidence seems overwhelming against the sports organization, the largest tri club on the East Coast.
At its Hains Pt. morning rides, clubbers are regularly pulled over by police for all manner of infractions, after hitting speeds, upwards of 27 mph, that seem improbable for those free of drugs.
The muscle mass of some clubbers, such as Simon Hernaez, has nearly doubled in size over the last year, supposedly due to Crossfit--but more likely due to the use of anabolic steroids. Members like Casey Creech have spurted to well over 6-foot, 5-inches tall, after downing human growth hormone hidden in goo packets.
In May, club members performed so well at the USAT San Diego championship that no other club in its category received any points, a highly unlikely occurrence.
SADA authorities point to Red Cross records indicating that a number of DC Triers donate blood, probably for enhancement and re-transfusion prior to racing.
Frequent medalist Kevin D’Amanda, a fast rider-runner not known as a quick swimmer, shattered the Lake McDonnell 2-mile record this year after allegedly getting a transfusion from Wilson swim coach Denis “Creatin” Crean.
Other members regularly engage in improbable feats like 50-mile runs, biking 200 miles in a single event, or swimming clear across the Chesapeake Bay, things almost surely fueled by massive intake of the endurance booster EPO.
Still others under investigation, such as Andy Blatecky, have decided to escape authorities by fleeing the region, and moving to Colorado, to engage in “natural blood doping” in that mile-high state.
Meantime the club’s regular Sunday ride, whose organizer Tuan Nguyen often complains about its riders “losing their testicles,” has been accused of testosterone doping to make up for such inadequacies.
Club spokeswoman Abby Sanford, herself under fire for alleged drafting violations at EagleMan, noted that quite a few clubbers work for the Defense Department, where they are subject to random drug tests. “They’ve taken over 5,000 tests there, none of which have shown any spike in performance.
“Strike the word ‘spike’—I wasn’t implying any use of needles!”
Due to the grave charges, the club may be banned from competition, including the upcoming Mid-Atlantic championship, General Smallwood, named for a military man who used the enhancement drug Ciales.
Early today, the club’s board, citing executive privilege, refused to turn over any more internal club documents and emails to SADA investigators.
“I hold those SADA sadists in contempt,” leaked the DC Tri’s President. “They are simply Trolling for evidence. They are Whey overboard.”
Later today, SADA’s President, after a physician’s diagnosis of a thankfully benign form of skin lesion, phoned the cancer awareness organization Livestrong for advice.
Livestrong did not return the call.
“They can Lance that boil themselves,” said a spokesman--before heading off on a transcontinental ride in search of a triathlon to legally compete in.
Keeping w/ D.C. skulduggery...agents of the fed. gov. have decided to take immediate action through drone strikes aimed at Ballston for the next Tuesday night ride/run. It is rumored that sanctions and disqaulification wouldn't be enough to stymie the rampant drug abuse distributed under the auspices of DC Tri Club Board.
"Better to err on the side of eradication than let even one cheater go unpunished" was quoted by an anonymous defense agent.
In response, the Board plans to double-up on PED's, hoping to out-bike/run the launch.
For the record, I'm the most tested athlete from Vietnam and I've never failed a drug test. I will grant you that I occassionally indulge in certain "cream" of no known origins, but I have never failed a drug test.
-Bobby "LiveStrong" Bonds