MARCH 10, 2011
DCT WEEKLY NEWS
Today out of sympathy we're giving a shout out to the relatively shrinking number of males in the Club, and their shrinking sperm counts. Did you know that a minority of DC Tri Club members are men, as are just four of the nine members of our 2011 Elite Team?!?
Guys don't shop. Except maybe on Amazon. Nothing to report.
Guys, are you fed up with being “chicked”? You know, the embarrassment of some fast gal passing you on the bike or run, or worse, swimming right over you in the lake, maybe even kicking you in the teeth? Or of some slow girl passing you, because you’re pathetic? You then try to pass her, because that’s the way it should be, but normally you just get dropped, and chicked, again. There’s just no concern out there for the fragile male ego.
Still, once in a blue moon, guys do pass gals, but there’s no word to describe this. So it’s high time for us guys to have our own term of temporary superiority. For a word to describe passing a chick, we vote for “chuck”. Chuck is already a guy’s name. And it also means to toss something or someone aside. And it’s the first name of the founder of the Nation’s Tri. All good. So, guys, on the next rare occasion that you pass a chick, tell her: “You been ‘chucked’!” Ha ha.
Guys, remember. Even though we’re a minority in the club, and among the elite competitors, and at social events like bric-nics, we’re still a majority among the competitors at races. So there.
A sensitive subject, so we’ll tri to be sensitive. But also brutally honest. Us guys have had it with the unfair advantage that nature supplies chicks during the swim. And no, not just that extra percentage of body fat to help girls float, while we lean-and-mean muscle-mass guys sink to the bottom. We’re talking ‘bout that particular section of body fat in the upper front torso, that natural Mae West, the one the breast stroke is named after.
To, um, level, and flatten, that unfair playing field, triathlons need to equip guys with a similar edge. Races, therefore, should hand out buoyant “bros” to every male competitor at the start of a race. This will mimic chicks’ own anatomical flotation devices. At the same time, chicks should be forbidden to wear wetsuits, which add even more buoyancy to their unfair natural advantage. Sure, this could be tough on really cold days but, hey, they got all that extra body fat (while remaining utterly slender and attractive, mind you), so they can cope. Lobby the rule-setting body, USAT, with your concerns at GiveTheBrosABro.com.
Team Lipstick, stay at home, with the kids or something. Team After Shave will meet at 3 am Sunday on the start of the SavageMan course, 23 mph minimum, a real mashfest, riding over any squirrels that jump in our way. Bringing your Garmin is required, because we will definitely not stop to ask for directions. Toilet seat down, give me a break: just go in the woods already.
"Guys Night Out at the Gun Rack: April 1, Manassas, VA." Hang with your fellow fellas to blast clay pigeons, spit and scratch freely, and discuss fast cars and Fantasy Football. Crisis Centers will be set up to deal with the psychic trauma of the football lockout.
Can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em: change your user profile from male to female. Copyright © 2011 Laputa Island Projections. All rights reserved.
Awesome writeup Ed!
This explains why for years DCTri has always had sports bras for women but no manziers for men. The bias against men is so blatant that is's not even funny anymore.
Ed, I can't wait for you to pass me at HP or at the Columbia Brick-nic and for you to yell
"You've been Chucked!!"
Love it Ed!!
The guys are also really valuable at the social events like bric-nics because they cook us up food on the grill!
This is awesome! I hate getting "chicked" on the bike. Fortunately I usually "de-chick" them on the run. Or is the preferred term "un-chick"? Either way it sounds suggestive...
I think a "Guys Night Out at the Gun Rack" would be awesome! We can start preparing for the most dangerously overlooked event in the multisport world... Modern Pentathlon!
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I'll take it! Thanks Ed.