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“A Look Ahead at 2013, with a Comic Look Back at 2012”
CREATED: 10/19/12 by mosered REPLIES: 1
mosered's ravatar mosered    JOINED: 2/28/09    POSTS: 1742
A Comic Look Back at the 2012 Season
POSTED: 10/19/12 9:42 PM

A year after the cancellations of the Washington, DC Tri, the National Harbor Half, and the Gen. Smallwood Sprint, the DC city government cancels the presidential inauguration, noting that “by clogging up downtown it will interfere with out-of-town visitors.”

Another fun bike trip through the high-altitude Colorado mountains is undertaken by DC Triers Jazon Brez, Kim Goldman, Holli Finneran, Scott Aubuchon, Adam Stolzberg, & Abby Sanford. Returning in great shape, they all medal in races, but USADA busts them for having elevated blood-oxygen levels.

General Small Wood finally admits he has a problem, and gets a prescription for Cialis. Soon, women are referring to him as Field Marshal Timber Lance.

In 2012, a few months after Marine Corps, and a few months before IM Zurich, DCT's Adriana Anderson had her first baby. At the 2013 IM Germany, she complains about her slow bike transition, after she has her second baby in between the swim and the ride.

A Maryland biotech firm announces the cloning of the first human. But confusion reigns whether it’s clubber Sarah Karpinski from New York, or clubber Sarah Karpinski from Ohio.

Club members at the San Diego Triathlon have to stencil on race numbers that take months to wash off. For weeks afterward, they’re arrested during workouts at Hains Pt., by park police believing them to be escaped convicts.

After continuing to appear in fashion shows, NTP coordinator Pam Simmonds wins the Miss Universe contest.

One year after being busted on a flight from Challenge Copenhagen for “forgetting” the CO2 cartridges in his bike bin, Tuan Nguyen is arrested en route to IM Sweden, for trying to desperately spike his blood oxygen by sniffing CO2 cartridges in the airplane’s bathroom.

When race numbers from the San Diego Tri fail to wash off weeks after the race, less-ethical clubbers devise a clever stratagem. They patiently wait until someone really fast, like Ben Winterroth or Stephanie Ewert, is given a race number identical to their San Diego numerals. Then they appear at the race's finish line claiming to be that top performer, and walk away with a medal.

After she’s made a commanding officer, ex-club vice president and now Navy captain Nicole Shue, gets a bit carried away. At the Waterman Tri, she swamps the kayaks on hand after arriving to do swim support with her aircraft carrier.

Determined to bounce back after a very tough experience at the 104-degree Gen. Smallwood Tri, Luke Holman trains extra hard under very hot conditions. He’s rewarded when, after another super-fast performance at Smallwood, he’s declared the winner--by acclimation.

Many racers bonk at IM New York, after Mayor Bloomberg bans sugar and salt from the energy drinks.

The club continues to put on more detailed training programs, which some find in bad taste. Many object to a new clinic on, “How to pee on your bike”. And Phil Schmidt, after brutal but very fast race at the 100-degree IM Texas, holds a seminar on, “How to Throw up on your Bike and Still Finish under 9:35.”

For a brief time, while he competes legally as a triathlete, Lance Armstrong has a big impact on the sport. Races begin handing out EPO at water stops. Tuan Nguyen loses his testicles from his Sunday rides, but doesn’t care because he's saved his semen at a sperm bank. Paul Mahler and Alejandro Escobar ask out Sheryl Crowe. And the Sierra Club releases a new slogan: “It’s Not Just About the Hike.”

The club suspends its volunteer of the year award after triathlons begin replacing bike marshals and swim support with surveillance drones.

Gentleman’s Quarterly announces its annual best-dressed man award: Gen. Smallwood’s “Mr. Squiggly”.

DC Triers perform terribly at the Nation’s Tri, when they keep returning during the run to the club water stop for Free Hugs.

Eric Goetz, Brady Nelson, and others continue to do the Hains Pt. morning group rides, cycling at increasingly faster intervals—26 mph, 28 mph, even higher--eventually going faster than light, going back in time, and ending their loops before they start them.

At SavageMan weekend, Brady Nelson rides up the Westernport Wall not once, but multiple times. SavageMan founder Kyle Yost is forced to make so many bricks that he builds Brady a kiln.

After a disastrously crowded inaugural race, hopes rise for the second National Harbor 10K, when the inept Hot Chocolate organizers are replaced by another sponsor—Pepco.

The political candidates, trying to appeal to as many groups as possible, begin treating gay friends to lunch at Chick Filet’s.

At the 2012 ITU San Diego Tri, Catherine Myung’s parents cooked barbecue for many of the clubbers attending the race. At the 2013 Nations Tri, they make the mistake of offering to barbecue for all the clubbers participating. Some 500 DC Triers are registered and, in a reversal of current custom, a bankrupt mom and dad move in with their daughter.

After dropping 50 pounds, Jason Brez drops 50 minutes from his half ironman time. He immediately starts dieting to drop 500 more minutes.

In 2013, for the first time the club’s membership exceeds 1,500--about 20 more than the number of witnesses testifying against Lance Armstrong.

A year after Andy Sovonick leads blind runner Amy McDonaugh to a 7th-place finish at the Wilson Bridge Half Marathon, a rolling mist from Foggy Bottom cuts visibility at the Marine Corps Marathon to zero, and McDonaugh leads Sovonick to a spot on the podium.

Along with a host of individual racers, DC Tri enters an IM relay team at IM Lake Placid. Its marathoner is extreme athlete Felix Baumgartner, who jumps out of a balloon to drop 26.2 miles in 5 minutes before landing at the finish line, easily winning the race. A USADA official on hand starts to object, but as Baumgartner is traveling faster than sound he never hears the objection, and his performance and his team’s victory stands.

Trevor Albert survives more bike accidents where, thankfully unhurt, he is thrown through the windows of cars. He realizes he should probably be more wary when the Department of Transportation offers him a job as a crash test dummy.

The final presidential debate dissolves into chaos when the moderators turn out to be the NFL replacement officials.

The Wilson High pool continues to be shut down for unexpected periods, sometimes due to “health reasons”, usually when Travis Siehndel, after one of his very muddy mountain bike races, washes off in the pool.

At club happy hours, Jessica Oldham keeps winning arm wrestling contests. After one win, suspicious USADA officials make her enter a dressing room, where a female official has her undress. Jessica is revealed to be—Simon Hernaez.

After more rabid beaver attacks on people in and near the region’s waterways, the Nation’s Tri cancels the swim leg. Not from the beavers’ assaults, but from their building of an earthen dam at Chain Bridge, which dries up the Potomac River.

When Total 200 is again buffeted by record heat as well as storms and powerful gusts, riders take advantage of 80 mph tailwinds to finish the course in 1.5 hours.

After he and Debbie Hopkins bust a ring of bike robbers, clubber Trevor Albert exposes another gang of thieves—and six more DC City Council members are forced to resign.

Luke's ravatar Luke    JOINED: 11/28/10    POSTS: 357
RE: “A Look Ahead at 2013, with a Comic Look Back at 2012”
POSTED: 12/30/12 9:20 AM

BUMP!! With 2013 upon us, it's time to take one last look back at 2012!!

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